September 11, 2012

There is 5 minutes left to September 11th...I just got home from the Heartworks House after a meeting with 73 women. 73 WOMEN!!! Our biggest group ever. We lit candles, we prayed, we drank wine and ate chips and salsa. We had a goal for making $500 for Matthew Harms medical bills with pray stars...we still have to put the poster out at the fundraiser Saturday night and we have already raised $500!!! Amazing. My daughter Caroline painted gold nails on anyone who would sit with her...a way to support her little friend  Campbell who is 4 days into 1st grade living with a brain tumor. Caroline was sitting in the back of the room when we lit our candles and stood in a circle listening to "Amazing Grace (her Grampy's favorite song). she was looking at me talking leading their group of women in to a silent circle of prayer. I felt like she was understanding what the past 8 years has been about for our family. I felt like I was showing her what I have been doing with myself when I am away from Eddie and my girls. I thought that maybe she was beginning to understand the impact her Uncle John's life has had on the world.
My most sacred moments of the day are:

Realizing this morning that I did not bring flowers to John and Allison Horstmann's plaque at our high school and my friend Jim Davis taking care of it for me...knowing that this helped him with his grief over his lost friends as much as it helped me.

John's family being at the service with us. My mother sitting with his parents and sisters. His brother Jim standing next to me. Michael and Kathleen included in the circle even though they were not physically there. Later, they all came to the Heartworks House and I was able to show them what has been created in memory of their son and brother.

The sun shining so brightly. Years ago, when my father had recovered from tongue cancer to the pint that he could travel, he went to Florida. It was winter and he told me that he got off the airplane and stood with his face to the sun. The sun gave him new life. I tired my face to the sun, as I have so often in the past 7 years when the pangs of missing him overwhelm me.

Nieces and nephews scrunched on a brick wall next to Madison and Caroline sitting n a plaid blanket while the bell tower rang

The Monsignor Capik's voice during the homily and the memory of him sitting at Maryanne's kitchen table September 15, 2001. The stillness in the kitchen and the realization that he could handle it because he knew God.

Standing with my brother and saying the Our Father together

My sister Maryanne laughing

Talking about John, the wind whipping up and 16 balloons floating up in the air filled with written love notes at Jockey Hollow

Heartworkers preparing the Heartworks House for our meeting all day while I spent time with my family

The texts, calls and emails from people who love me (Sue Ostrander, what a gift, a story (book)  for a different day)

My gratitude for Madeline and how we came to know each other

The mediation room filled with candles, pictures and prayers

Spending the night with conscious women. My deep loves who understand me and want what I want- a deep connection with God and freedom from the bullshit

My time in the parking lot with my friend Andea

The back up at the front door of people coming into the meeting

The 73 women that left their houses to come join us in our efforts

Running out of candles, chairs, glasses and spinach dip

The $500 already made for the Harms family

The $1,000 we are going to be able to send Chis Meade, a man in CT who we have never met before to pay for medical bills

The look on his friend's faces when we told them we can do this for him

The image of my sweet Caroline sitting in the back of the meeting room and remembering being 5 months pregnant with her on a 24 hour ride home from Colorado 11 years ago this week.

Sitting at the Heartworks house over a glass of wine until 11:00 with Heartworkers that just didn't want to leave

The time with my Kelly who is a sole sister of all sorts XO

Lying my head on my pillow tonight next to my Eddie knowing that I have done one small part today to honor John and everyone else who's life was sacrificed in a spiritual awakening for the planet

Good night and thanks for listening even though I don't tell people I blog so very few people read it :) XO