"Don't Say Amen" Says Mary

Every night before my 5 year old goes to bed she asks me to read a prayer book she made last summer. It has traditional Catholic prayers in it and then we add our own at the end. It is not an easy task because she likes me to keep one hand on her forehead (keeps the bad dreams out) and one hand one the book. So turning the pages is tricky and as she is trying to “belax” (not a typo, this is how Mary says “relax”) into the prayers, she often has one eye open in anticipation of a page turn when my hand has to leave her head for a moment.

Last night, before we got started, she said to me

“Don’t say “Amen” at the end of each prayer anymore, Mom!”

“Why not?”

“ Because then it means they’re over.”

As I read her the Hail Mary I instinctively said “Amen” at the end...her eyes filled up…She yelled “Moooooooommmmmm, I told you not to say Amen!”

“I’m sorry Mary! But I’ve been saying this prayer for 35 years and so I’m in the habit of saying Amen at the end! We have 3 prayers to go,  so it’s not over yet”

I don’t think she thought my laughter was appropriate.

She settled back into position and brought my hand back to her head.

No more “Amens” were said last night.

This morning as she was getting ready for school, I reminded her to go upstairs and brush her teeth. She ran upstairs but I didn’t hear any water running. As I snuck up behind her in her room I saw that she had ripped up a sticky note into strips and was placing them strategically in her prayer book.

“What are you doing Mare?”

“Covering up the “Amens” so my prayers keep going”

So my beautiful girl left for school today with dirty teeth and unending prayers in her mind.

I have not yet explained to her yet that  “Amen” has been described as

 “And so it is” and “So be it”.

“Amen” is a statement of affirmation, that all we believe and have prayed for is true and valid for us. It has gotten me thinking that this is such an interesting word to use at the “end” of a prayer and that most people probably see it as an “ending” phrase…certainly my little Mary does.

What I did tell her was that I understand what it feels like to not want things to end….how when you discover and connect with something bigger than yourself…when something feels good and safe and loving, your human response is to do whatever is within your imagined control to stop it from ending.

I understand Mary Francis, I really, truly understand.

What I will tell her when she gets home today is that “Amen” doesn’t end our prayers. “Amen” simply solidifies them in the unending love of God. My greatest prayer for Mary and her two sisters is that they come to understand that there is no ending to love and that ultimately, God is love. There is no ending or beginning, though our human mind is so trained to think this way. The word I would more focus on is transition. That all appearances of beginnings and endings are actually transitions into something else, something that we are ready to experience, whether we understand what is happening or not.

There are so many things I don’t want to ever end. I do my best to stay open to “endings” (AKA transitions) and give them the same attention I give beginnings, knowing that they are actually the very same energy. Every beginning is an ending  and every ending is a beginning of something. This is waaaaay easier said than done. The mind is a stubborn, manipulative thing and I am so attached to my physical surroundings (ie...raising my girls in the house I grew up in but that’s a story for another day)

These days as I witness my father-in-law sleep, as his body slows down and his voice gets softer, I want to yell and whine and stick hot pick sticky notes over all that we are being asked to let go of. All the things we are not ready to have end. All the things that feel good and safe and loving.

All things my father-in-law.

So maybe by not hearing “Amen” my little Mary is attempting to go to sleep in prayer, wake up in prayer, get dressed in prayer, eat breakfast in prayer, go to school in prayer….maybe she effortlessly remembers something that I, at times,  forget…that birth is a living prayer, life is a living prayer and death is a living prayer. God is always paying attention, always loving us, always awake. I pray for the grace to spend my days  as Mary does, in living prayer without end.

My mother asked me if I was stressed today...

Later on today my very best friends from childhood will start showing up for our 25 High school reunion weekend. We will sit in the same rooms we did when we were 10 years old since I live in the house I grew up in. Last week I was putting clothes in the washing machine and I started to think of all  them being here, getting ready to go to the football game, picking out our outfits the same way we did in 1987, our beers do not have to be hidden this time. I started thinking of us in our PJs eating breakfast together recapping the night before. I started to laugh....then I started to really, really laugh. All I need to throw me into a fit of crazy laughter was just the thought of the fun we are going to have. I was bent over laughing and crying just anticipating the fun...I thought how blessed I am to have this...a good laugh a week before I even see them in anticipation of our time together.

So here I am cleaning my house and getting ready for the 50 BHS graduates from the class of 1987 that will be drinking keg beer at eating pizza at my house tonight. My mother asked me if I was feeling stressed with my party planning chaos...my answer is a strong "no". Heartworks has woven its thread of perspective and gratitude through me that saves me from the stress I used to live in on a daily bases. Today I am thinking of another family, just a few miles from my house. Annemarie, mother of 4 kids, passed away the day before yesterday from Breast Cancer that spread throughout her body. She has been to a few Heartworks meetings and I met her when she came to help at our annual garage sale in May. We talked about how she loved our mission and how she was going to be such a part of the group when she felt better.  Her family is getting ready to go to her wake today. Her high school friends are picking out an outfit to wear to say goodbye to her. Food is bring prepared to feed the people she loved most in the world. The fact that I can't find the perfect bowl to put my crab dip in is not on my radar the way it would have been years ago.

I sat with my dear father-in-law this week, having a tough conversation about the future...about how we will live and remember him "after he is gone"....my love for this man runs deep and this talk was not easy, but necessary. I told him  that my girls will be raised remembering him, loving him and every time we are together as a family we will celebrate his life.
He paused for a few minutes. Cleared his throat and said "And laugh...have lots of laughs."

It is difficult to focus on other things, knowing that our time with him is limited. I want to just sit with him, hold his hand, tell him I lobe him over and over again. It feels challenging to care about what I am wearing tonight with Annemarie's little 12 year old daughter sitting with her brothers and dad today without Annemarie. But the truth is, life is filled with contradictions and everyday is someone's best day and someone's worse day. So if today is one of my best, I am going to live it to the fullest and not take it for granted or loose sight of it over a bowl or a dirty kitchen or 10 extra pounds as I pull on my jeans later today. In honor of Annemarie I will enjoy every bit of my time with my friends and in honor of Bubba I will laugh until I pee my pants (and if you know me, you know this is quiet possible. )

Live life to the fullest today regardless of what it may bring you.

My Day

I am sitting here at the Heartworks House (what we call our office space)....It has been a full day of speaking to people who love someone with cancer. Including talking to Eddie about his dad, my father-in-law who I love dearly. Then a close friend about her father-in-law, then a woman I have known for years, trying to suggest to her in a gentle way to allow herself to be open to what Heartworks can offer her family while she's in treatment for breast cancer. She's not biting... Holly is in the next room talking to Lauren about how to improve our sign up sheets for our meeting next week. A friend of mine is crying, dealing with depression. Cars are driving by on Rt 202...I am overwhelmed with the amount of suffering going on for people close to me as well as people I have never met before. I thank God that I am not in the mall right now spending money on clothes I don't need. I thank God I spend my time here at the Heartworks House while my girls are in school. Here I can be immersed in the suffering, and I am grateful. Not because I am a downer (though some would disagree) but because it is at least authentic energy and keeps me grounded in the reality of our choices- of how we spend our time. I can't cure my father-in-laws cancer today...but I can get organized for our next meeting and make calls to families who are living parallel experiences. I can do what I can with what is within my control. I feel like if I died tomorrow I could say that I did not waste my time on unimportant things. I take care of my girls, I love my husband, I drink wine with my friends, I never say "no" at a chance to sit with my mom for 5 minutes or 5 hours. People have judged my choices....that they are different from what they may do with their days....but I am living in alignment for what I have been asked to do on this Earth. And I can't cure cancer...I can't fix my friend's marriage....but I can raise money and deliver dinner and reach out and this means my day was well spent. And now I get to go home to my 3 healthy girls...the house may be a mess but they will be there and Eddie will come downstairs and I get to hang out with him tonight and I know I am blessed by these seemingly ordinary occurrences, but I know, after a day like today these are the exact things not to take for granted.

September 11, 2012

There is 5 minutes left to September 11th...I just got home from the Heartworks House after a meeting with 73 women. 73 WOMEN!!! Our biggest group ever. We lit candles, we prayed, we drank wine and ate chips and salsa. We had a goal for making $500 for Matthew Harms medical bills with pray stars...we still have to put the poster out at the fundraiser Saturday night and we have already raised $500!!! Amazing. My daughter Caroline painted gold nails on anyone who would sit with her...a way to support her little friend  Campbell who is 4 days into 1st grade living with a brain tumor. Caroline was sitting in the back of the room when we lit our candles and stood in a circle listening to "Amazing Grace (her Grampy's favorite song). she was looking at me talking leading their group of women in to a silent circle of prayer. I felt like she was understanding what the past 8 years has been about for our family. I felt like I was showing her what I have been doing with myself when I am away from Eddie and my girls. I thought that maybe she was beginning to understand the impact her Uncle John's life has had on the world.
My most sacred moments of the day are:

Realizing this morning that I did not bring flowers to John and Allison Horstmann's plaque at our high school and my friend Jim Davis taking care of it for me...knowing that this helped him with his grief over his lost friends as much as it helped me.

John's family being at the service with us. My mother sitting with his parents and sisters. His brother Jim standing next to me. Michael and Kathleen included in the circle even though they were not physically there. Later, they all came to the Heartworks House and I was able to show them what has been created in memory of their son and brother.

The sun shining so brightly. Years ago, when my father had recovered from tongue cancer to the pint that he could travel, he went to Florida. It was winter and he told me that he got off the airplane and stood with his face to the sun. The sun gave him new life. I tired my face to the sun, as I have so often in the past 7 years when the pangs of missing him overwhelm me.

Nieces and nephews scrunched on a brick wall next to Madison and Caroline sitting n a plaid blanket while the bell tower rang

The Monsignor Capik's voice during the homily and the memory of him sitting at Maryanne's kitchen table September 15, 2001. The stillness in the kitchen and the realization that he could handle it because he knew God.

Standing with my brother and saying the Our Father together

My sister Maryanne laughing

Talking about John, the wind whipping up and 16 balloons floating up in the air filled with written love notes at Jockey Hollow

Heartworkers preparing the Heartworks House for our meeting all day while I spent time with my family

The texts, calls and emails from people who love me (Sue Ostrander, what a gift, a story (book)  for a different day)

My gratitude for Madeline and how we came to know each other

The mediation room filled with candles, pictures and prayers

Spending the night with conscious women. My deep loves who understand me and want what I want- a deep connection with God and freedom from the bullshit

My time in the parking lot with my friend Andea

The back up at the front door of people coming into the meeting

The 73 women that left their houses to come join us in our efforts

Running out of candles, chairs, glasses and spinach dip

The $500 already made for the Harms family

The $1,000 we are going to be able to send Chis Meade, a man in CT who we have never met before to pay for medical bills

The look on his friend's faces when we told them we can do this for him

The image of my sweet Caroline sitting in the back of the meeting room and remembering being 5 months pregnant with her on a 24 hour ride home from Colorado 11 years ago this week.

Sitting at the Heartworks house over a glass of wine until 11:00 with Heartworkers that just didn't want to leave

The time with my Kelly who is a sole sister of all sorts XO

Lying my head on my pillow tonight next to my Eddie knowing that I have done one small part today to honor John and everyone else who's life was sacrificed in a spiritual awakening for the planet

Good night and thanks for listening even though I don't tell people I blog so very few people read it :) XO

Prayers for Tomorrow

I spent today at the Heartworks House getting ready for our meeting tomorrow night. We are in the process of transforming the Meditation Room into a place filled with pictures of victims of 9/11, active military men and women and pictures of war torn countries from all over the world. Our prayers reach far and wide to anyone ever affected by terrorism. Heartworks remembers that we are a country at war and that horrific acts of hate are not some thing in the past, but happening as I type this blog entry. There are families escaping territories with nowhere to go. We pray for them tonight.
Tonight I want to say thank you to every single person who did something for a family after September 11, 2001. Thank you for paying such close attention to the loss. It is my greatest hope to continue on the standard that you set 11 years ago to any struggling family that crosses the path of Heartworks.

We pray tonight for all people being retraumatized by the anniversary
We pray for everyone who misses someone
We pray for every first responder who is struggling with health issues
We pray for every human being affected by terrorism
We pray for acute awareness and gratitude of our freedoms and safety
We pray for all political leaders to act from a place of grace rather than ego
We pray for healing around the globe

I am watching the coverage on TV. I do this every September 10th before I go to bed. I was in Colorado in 2001, far from any of the trauma. I watch it now because I want to pay my respects to the people who were not so far away. Who still have nightmares and anxiety from the things that they saw that day. I want to pay my respects to the first responders and witness, even if it is from the ridiculous safety of my couch a fraction of what they witnessed that day.
I will never forget. I will never forget the events or what people did for my family. Besides my husband and daughters, family and friends,  nothing else is more important to me than to pay forward what has been done for my sister and her kids.
Thank you.

The Ronan Song

 Below is a note I sent to my Heartworks Advisory Board members today. They are 9 women dedicated to the ideals and principles of Heartworks. They are very tolerable of my emails that ramble on and on about my thoughts about life, Heartworks and everything and anything in-between.

So….when you are done reading this email, your assignment today :) is to google Taylor Swifts performance of her new song "Ronan" at the Stand Up to Cancer Concert that she just sang over the weekend. She had read a blog by a woman who's 4 year old son had died last year and she and the mother wrote this song together.

 I got an email about it Saturday from Heartworker Beth B to watch it. I ignored it. Then last night I got a text from Katie B about the same song. I put down what I was doing and listened. I watched Taylor Swift sing and bawled my head off. I allowed God to penetrate my anxious thoughts about the legal issues being presented to our group by another non-profit, the dirty laundry piling up in my basement, how Heartworks is getting ready for the  9/11 meeting, how many people are coming to the fundraiser, the new pimple on my chin, figuring out the carpool schedule for Madison's soccer this week. 

I let myself listen to the song and connect to the tread of suffering in the world, the suffering in my own family, the suffering of my friends, of Heartworkers and neighbors and strangers I have never even met before. I wanted to work on Heartworks before going to bed. I sent an email to Mary, the friend of Amy (the beautiful woman who lives in Bville, has breast cancer, came without any hair on her head to the July meeting) to ask when the date is for the drawing for the beach houses. She wrote me back that they had to do the drawing last week…because Amy has gotten very sick, very quickly and is in her final days and the needed to get the money to them…..She shared with me that when Amy got in the car after the meeting she said she is coming to help as soon as she gets better…

So early this morning I went on an early walk, listened to "Ronan" no less than 20 times in a row and went to the Heartworks House to sit in the meditation room. 

I hung up the American flag with the names on it of everyone who was killed on 9/11. I put out the article I found about Syria. I began the process of transforming the room into a quiet place of reflection for the meeting Tuesday night. My vision is the meditation room filled with pictures and stories from all over the globe of acts of terrorism and war. It is important on Tuesday that we do not all just bow our heads in a robotic gesture without feeling what it means to be alive on the planet right now. That there are countries being torn apart and having "9/11" days over and over and over again. When My sister's husband was killed, the world responded. She was brought food and given money and  people did anything in their power to make her life manageable. There is a woman somewhere tonight, her house is being bombed and she has nowhere to go. No lasagnas being brought to her, no soccer coaches welcoming her children back to practice, no lawyers, doctors, orthodontists, teachers or mechanics showing up on her doorstep to help her. No resources to call on. And I think as Americans it is important for us to realize how different our experience is with terrorism than most of the world. 

The "September 11th pit" as I call it is slowly growing in my stomach. Between the song about Ronan, New Heartworker Amy from Bernardsville sitting in the Heartworks House 2 months ago and now she is getting ready to let go of this life after a courageous adventure with Breast Cancer, thinking of Garrett on a camping trip last night with his 3 boys under the same tent, thinking about going to sleep on September 10th 11 years ago and crawling up the stairs the next day to tell Eddie to turn on the TV….I feel in sacred space and basking in the love of my life. The blessings that are right in front of me that I take for granted everyday. My gratitude for all of you and all the things you put up with from me, for the vision of Heartworks. For your commitment. For your internal work so that we can always be coming from a clear place when we intermingle in other people's lives. So please be patient with me if I seem "particular" with my vision for Tuesday's meeting and my reasoning for things…I am never trying to be anal or bossy, just intentional. If you feel I am off course with something, please share your thoughts in case it is the mud in my own eyes keeping me from seeing a certain view. The world seems so lost in the "busy" and Tuesday is a sacred day of opening, faith, trust, crucifixion and resurrection for me. I don't necessarily feel sad, I feel reverent. 

I am staying open to the pit in my stomach, knowing that it is my physical body processing the contradictions and complexities of life that we so willingly look at through Heartworks. I do not want a "normal" few days…I want to be dedicated to my family and the work we are being called to do. I want to be open to love. Eddie just texted me from Madison's soccer game that he misses me. (so friggin cute!)  I want to be open to the love God is blessing me with instead of being too distracted to notice it. 

I pray that I am able to do this

I pray that every woman who needs the meeting Tuesday is able to get there

I pray that ideas and organizing comes easily to us for meeting nd fundraiser

I pray that we can stay focused on why we are doing Heartworks

I pray that we all feel God's deep, unfailing love for us

I pray that we can live intentional lives of receiving and giving.

I pray. 

I encourage each of you to be intentional this week within your own lives. Come to the House and help if you are pulled to do so, there is plenty to do. 

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO ME 

I loveyou all XOXOX M

Later today I received another email from Heartworker Mary telling me that her dear friend Amy who came to her first and only Heartworks meeting in July, had gone to God last night. My laundry is still piled up downstairs. I still have a pimple. But my day was full of love. I had lunch with my mom and my sisters and nieces and nephews. Eddie and I watched Madison win a soccer game and we  hung out with our friends tonight. I am acutely aware of the life around me. I am motivated to live as clearly as I can and to love as much as I can while I am here. I thank God tonight for my healthy body and the opportunity to go to the Heartworks House tomorrow and prepare a space for 40 women to come and remember 9/11 and ray for peace. From terrorism, from cancer, from life.

Not able to walk the talk

The focus of my walk this morning was an attempt at silence. Not just "not talking" but inner silence, away from the constant, looping thoughts that cloud my mind . I left my iPod on the desk and started my walk. I started repeating a peace centered mantra over and over again as a method of interrupting the noise in my head. All my mind needed was to see the Burke's house (two houses away and dear family friends of ours) as an excuse to go off on a thinking tangent. Within the first three minutes of the walk, my thoughts drifted from "peace" to Mrs. Burke's daughter Kara who is about to have her first baby. Mrs. Burke (or "Markie as I just started calling her a few years ago when I turned 40) emailed us yesterday that Kara will be induced this week if her baby boy does not come on his own. She mentioned that Kara was doing well but was "done" with  being pregnant. So I decided in-between my thoughts of "peace" to call her later with some advice about being present with the pregnancy...after all, I 'm a therapist and mother of three. My message would be about staying in the moment, letting go and allowing the universe to unfold as it needs to. I was going to tell her that she has the rest of her life to spend with her son, walking around, breathing the air, but perhaps only a few more hours or days of the sensation of carrying him around inside of her. I was going to tell her about the current chaos in my house- getting three girls ready for the start of school. The electronics, the blathering on the phone, the music, the tears, the fighting, shopping requests, laughing and constant motion. It is almost impossible for me to recall the stillness we had 13 years ago, before our oldest was born. I was going to tell her how she will never again be this still with his soul. That he will soon belong to the world and now is the time to sit in the stillness and keep her mind in the present moment, the only place we can truly access God. My mothering lecture would end with specific instructions: Leave thoughts of the birth for the time of birth. Leave worries of the future for the future. For now, just be in the moment without judgment. Embrace the  swollen feet and cranky mood, its all part the process.
Sounds good right?? Yup, I would call her tonight and release my wealth of wisdom on her.

Half way up Old Farm Road my mind drifted from Kara's unborn son back onto my own life. Racing thoughts of my daily life came rushing in...a conflict I'm in with someone I love, the stress about all that needs to be done for  Heartworks, my father-in-law's illness, Charlie's next brain scan, school starting and Mary getting on the bus for kindergarten. I started making my lists, holding court in my head with people I am judging, fearing change and making plans for how I can possibly manipulate and control the outcomes.

All of a sudden I caught myself and stopped in my tracks and looked up at the trees. 15 minutes ago I was all "one with the universal flow" walking under a beautiful blue sky assisting young Kara in the art of letting go and being present in the moment. I stood in stunned amazement as I have so many times before at  how stinkin' difficult it is to live these basic spiritual concepts . I can have poetic sayings printed on the walls of Heartworks and send them out in inspiring emails,  but the truth is it is much easier to suggest to Kara how to be present with her uncertainty than it is to actually live it in my own life. Giving lectures are always easier than living them. A woman about to give birth is as clear as an example as you can get to living in the unknown and trusting in a higher source. In actuality we are all doing this each day, it is just not as obvious without the supposed due date, finished nursery and packed bag. So I have decided not to make the call. The truth is, Kara and Matt will figure it out on their own. so instead of refining my lecture, I prayed. I prayed for all of us living on the edge of uncertainty of what will happen in the future. I prayed for the ability and courage to spend more time in silence. I prayed for Kara, Matt and "Junior."  I walked the rest of the way home in silence. Sort of.