The Day after a meeting

Last night we had our December meeting. Our November meeting was canceled due to the hurricane so it had been awhile since the meeting room was filled with women. 38 women showed up with the collective intention to stay out of the insanity of the season and seek balance by coming together for something bigger than ourselves. Our meetings are never about escaping our own lives, or "using" horrific experiences to find gratitude. Our meetings are about allowing our own We signed cards, prayed, wrapped gifts and signed up to help in small ways and larger ones. We are asking 20 women to commit to raising $500 within their own circles for Chrissy, a mom in a neighboring town who is getting a double mastectomy in a few weeks. We are going to raise at least $10,000 for her so that she can have live in help for her 10 month old twin boys after her surgery. WOW this seems like quite a lofty goal right? At first we had one brave soul take the challenge. Then all I had to do is speak about her and the say to a room full on mother's these words: "She will not be able to hold her babies for 2 months" and before I knew it we had 7 more women signed up.

 I would like to be able to say that Chrissy was the only story that broke all of us open last night. She was not. A house fire in Ridgefield, New Jersey that took a mother and son away from the rest of their family (sending financial support) 6 families who lost everything in Hurricane Family (sending gift cards and selling teachers gifts to fundraise)  My beloved teacher and friend of 21 years, Patti has breast cancer (sending a 5lb Hershey bar) A woman in Basking Ridge in severe pain after a car accident (Heartworkers taking her to appointments) Another Basking Ridge mom in treatment for cancer (Heartworkers making dinners every night) 3 families grieving a son, a grandson and a mother this Christmas...(3 Wreaths with these words hanging on a tag "Everyday my love for you grows higher, deeper, wider, stronger...It grows and grows until it touches the tip of where you are and comes back to me in the loving memory of you, and my heart melts with that love and grows even more."- Maureen Hunter and we filled each wreath with prayers for a gentle December) Then there is Sweet Drew, a young helicopter pilot injured in Afganistan (sending cookies and a card) and Christmas cards  to 7 children who are sick in hope that receiving a letter in the mail will make them smile even for a moment. We prayed for ourselves and for others. We cried and we laughed at our own self absorption and ignorance. We signed up for what we could and in honor of so much suffering, committed to practicing gratitude in our daily lives.
 
Last night in a small New Jersey town, 38 women drove home with a commitment to stay out of the chaos and excess of this holiday season as much as possible. We will do this in honor of mothers who are to sick to stress about a J Crew fleece arriving in the wrong size and parents to grief stricken to think about what they are wearing to a party and soldiers sleeping in a ditch away from their families.
We commit to being present and grateful and to pay attention to the wounds in our own lives, knowing that at the end of the day we are all in this together, in all different phases of the journey on any given day.

Thank You Bubba, For Everything

It feels like a lifetime has gone by since the last time I have written. I have thought about writing many times but have not been able to either because I just don’t want to put on paper that my father-in-law died on the morning Wednesday October 24^th or because I have been with Eddie and my girls non stop for 11 days without power or because the loss I have been witnessing between Bubba and the storm simply seems too much for words. But now I am up in the middle of the night (I cant post this yet because we still don’t have internet) and maybe its time to write about some of it…

            My father-in-law (Doug, or “Bubba” as we all call him) went to God very peacefully at 10:30 in the morning with his family around him in a room filled with deep love. Pictures of family members who were waiting for him on the other side were close by and it was the first time I had witnessed someone take their last breath. I was honored to be there. The last prayer he heard was the “Hail Mary” which is no coincidence that it is the prayer his second youngest grand daughter (Mary) has had me say to her every night before bed for the past 2 months. I had been feeling so sad about Mary…that she is only 5 and will not have as many memories with her grandfather as my older two do. I realize now that all on her own she has created a connection with him through this prayer that she will have for the rest of her life. Although I am Catholic, I am not always drawn to the traditional prayers. It was my Mary with her hand made prayer book that brought me back to the Hail Mary and it was these two Mary’s who helped Bubba let go of this world and move through to the next. His letting go was a long and challenging process. He loved his life, he loved his kids and his friends. He loved his town and his walks and meeting his friends for dinner. He loved being in Mexico and sitting with a drink at his prayer wall. He loved traveling to new places and having fun everywhere he went. He loved this life and did not want to let it go.

Many times, sitting next to his bed that last week,  I thought about the dream I had about my brother-in-law John about 8 months after 9/11. In the dream he looked incredible as he walked up my back parch steps. He was vibrant and peaceful and gorgeous. As we spoke, I kept asking him where he was, what it was like there…he kept shaking his head and waving his hand saying “Meg, you won’t understand, I can’t even explain to you…there are no words” But the look on his face solidified the existence of a place beyond my comprehension. He was experiencing a level of love and an experience of peace that my limited human mind could never calculate. I thought about what my mother said after my father passed away 4 years later- that the look on my dad’s face right after he stopped breathing was the most peaceful thing she had ever witnessed. I kept thinking to myself that even though Bubba was laying there suffering, he had this incredible place waiting for him. The love he was leaving here? He had more waiting. The adventures he wasn’t ready to have end? He had more coming. The contentment he had watching his granddaughters swim at 7 Patriot Road? He had more contentment than he could ever imagine was just around the bend.

His body was restless. His will was strong. He did not want to leave his life here. We did not want him to leave either. So now…he is there with his parents and his sister Joanne and his brother Johnny and his niece Dana.We are here to carry on the adventures, the dinners, the sunsets at the beach and to continue living fully in honor of his life. A week before he died when Eddie went home for an hour and I was alone with Bubba. He told me he wanted us to always laugh, he wanted lots of laughing when we remembered him, especially with his grandchildren. He wanted the girls to remember all the laughter they had together.  We said “Thank you” to each other. He added “For everything” and I said it back. I thanked him for my Eddie- for raising the best friend I have ever had, for giving me an extraordinary father for my girls. Thank you for your family, the fun, the support, the memories, the love, the parties, the walks, the lessons, the trips, the music.

Thank you Bubba…for everything.

"Don't Say Amen" Says Mary

Every night before my 5 year old goes to bed she asks me to read a prayer book she made last summer. It has traditional Catholic prayers in it and then we add our own at the end. It is not an easy task because she likes me to keep one hand on her forehead (keeps the bad dreams out) and one hand one the book. So turning the pages is tricky and as she is trying to “belax” (not a typo, this is how Mary says “relax”) into the prayers, she often has one eye open in anticipation of a page turn when my hand has to leave her head for a moment.

Last night, before we got started, she said to me

“Don’t say “Amen” at the end of each prayer anymore, Mom!”

“Why not?”

“ Because then it means they’re over.”

As I read her the Hail Mary I instinctively said “Amen” at the end...her eyes filled up…She yelled “Moooooooommmmmm, I told you not to say Amen!”

“I’m sorry Mary! But I’ve been saying this prayer for 35 years and so I’m in the habit of saying Amen at the end! We have 3 prayers to go,  so it’s not over yet”

I don’t think she thought my laughter was appropriate.

She settled back into position and brought my hand back to her head.

No more “Amens” were said last night.

This morning as she was getting ready for school, I reminded her to go upstairs and brush her teeth. She ran upstairs but I didn’t hear any water running. As I snuck up behind her in her room I saw that she had ripped up a sticky note into strips and was placing them strategically in her prayer book.

“What are you doing Mare?”

“Covering up the “Amens” so my prayers keep going”

So my beautiful girl left for school today with dirty teeth and unending prayers in her mind.

I have not yet explained to her yet that  “Amen” has been described as

 “And so it is” and “So be it”.

“Amen” is a statement of affirmation, that all we believe and have prayed for is true and valid for us. It has gotten me thinking that this is such an interesting word to use at the “end” of a prayer and that most people probably see it as an “ending” phrase…certainly my little Mary does.

What I did tell her was that I understand what it feels like to not want things to end….how when you discover and connect with something bigger than yourself…when something feels good and safe and loving, your human response is to do whatever is within your imagined control to stop it from ending.

I understand Mary Francis, I really, truly understand.

What I will tell her when she gets home today is that “Amen” doesn’t end our prayers. “Amen” simply solidifies them in the unending love of God. My greatest prayer for Mary and her two sisters is that they come to understand that there is no ending to love and that ultimately, God is love. There is no ending or beginning, though our human mind is so trained to think this way. The word I would more focus on is transition. That all appearances of beginnings and endings are actually transitions into something else, something that we are ready to experience, whether we understand what is happening or not.

There are so many things I don’t want to ever end. I do my best to stay open to “endings” (AKA transitions) and give them the same attention I give beginnings, knowing that they are actually the very same energy. Every beginning is an ending  and every ending is a beginning of something. This is waaaaay easier said than done. The mind is a stubborn, manipulative thing and I am so attached to my physical surroundings (ie...raising my girls in the house I grew up in but that’s a story for another day)

These days as I witness my father-in-law sleep, as his body slows down and his voice gets softer, I want to yell and whine and stick hot pick sticky notes over all that we are being asked to let go of. All the things we are not ready to have end. All the things that feel good and safe and loving.

All things my father-in-law.

So maybe by not hearing “Amen” my little Mary is attempting to go to sleep in prayer, wake up in prayer, get dressed in prayer, eat breakfast in prayer, go to school in prayer….maybe she effortlessly remembers something that I, at times,  forget…that birth is a living prayer, life is a living prayer and death is a living prayer. God is always paying attention, always loving us, always awake. I pray for the grace to spend my days  as Mary does, in living prayer without end.

My mother asked me if I was stressed today...

Later on today my very best friends from childhood will start showing up for our 25 High school reunion weekend. We will sit in the same rooms we did when we were 10 years old since I live in the house I grew up in. Last week I was putting clothes in the washing machine and I started to think of all  them being here, getting ready to go to the football game, picking out our outfits the same way we did in 1987, our beers do not have to be hidden this time. I started thinking of us in our PJs eating breakfast together recapping the night before. I started to laugh....then I started to really, really laugh. All I need to throw me into a fit of crazy laughter was just the thought of the fun we are going to have. I was bent over laughing and crying just anticipating the fun...I thought how blessed I am to have this...a good laugh a week before I even see them in anticipation of our time together.

So here I am cleaning my house and getting ready for the 50 BHS graduates from the class of 1987 that will be drinking keg beer at eating pizza at my house tonight. My mother asked me if I was feeling stressed with my party planning chaos...my answer is a strong "no". Heartworks has woven its thread of perspective and gratitude through me that saves me from the stress I used to live in on a daily bases. Today I am thinking of another family, just a few miles from my house. Annemarie, mother of 4 kids, passed away the day before yesterday from Breast Cancer that spread throughout her body. She has been to a few Heartworks meetings and I met her when she came to help at our annual garage sale in May. We talked about how she loved our mission and how she was going to be such a part of the group when she felt better.  Her family is getting ready to go to her wake today. Her high school friends are picking out an outfit to wear to say goodbye to her. Food is bring prepared to feed the people she loved most in the world. The fact that I can't find the perfect bowl to put my crab dip in is not on my radar the way it would have been years ago.

I sat with my dear father-in-law this week, having a tough conversation about the future...about how we will live and remember him "after he is gone"....my love for this man runs deep and this talk was not easy, but necessary. I told him  that my girls will be raised remembering him, loving him and every time we are together as a family we will celebrate his life.
He paused for a few minutes. Cleared his throat and said "And laugh...have lots of laughs."

It is difficult to focus on other things, knowing that our time with him is limited. I want to just sit with him, hold his hand, tell him I lobe him over and over again. It feels challenging to care about what I am wearing tonight with Annemarie's little 12 year old daughter sitting with her brothers and dad today without Annemarie. But the truth is, life is filled with contradictions and everyday is someone's best day and someone's worse day. So if today is one of my best, I am going to live it to the fullest and not take it for granted or loose sight of it over a bowl or a dirty kitchen or 10 extra pounds as I pull on my jeans later today. In honor of Annemarie I will enjoy every bit of my time with my friends and in honor of Bubba I will laugh until I pee my pants (and if you know me, you know this is quiet possible. )

Live life to the fullest today regardless of what it may bring you.

My Day

I am sitting here at the Heartworks House (what we call our office space)....It has been a full day of speaking to people who love someone with cancer. Including talking to Eddie about his dad, my father-in-law who I love dearly. Then a close friend about her father-in-law, then a woman I have known for years, trying to suggest to her in a gentle way to allow herself to be open to what Heartworks can offer her family while she's in treatment for breast cancer. She's not biting... Holly is in the next room talking to Lauren about how to improve our sign up sheets for our meeting next week. A friend of mine is crying, dealing with depression. Cars are driving by on Rt 202...I am overwhelmed with the amount of suffering going on for people close to me as well as people I have never met before. I thank God that I am not in the mall right now spending money on clothes I don't need. I thank God I spend my time here at the Heartworks House while my girls are in school. Here I can be immersed in the suffering, and I am grateful. Not because I am a downer (though some would disagree) but because it is at least authentic energy and keeps me grounded in the reality of our choices- of how we spend our time. I can't cure my father-in-laws cancer today...but I can get organized for our next meeting and make calls to families who are living parallel experiences. I can do what I can with what is within my control. I feel like if I died tomorrow I could say that I did not waste my time on unimportant things. I take care of my girls, I love my husband, I drink wine with my friends, I never say "no" at a chance to sit with my mom for 5 minutes or 5 hours. People have judged my choices....that they are different from what they may do with their days....but I am living in alignment for what I have been asked to do on this Earth. And I can't cure cancer...I can't fix my friend's marriage....but I can raise money and deliver dinner and reach out and this means my day was well spent. And now I get to go home to my 3 healthy girls...the house may be a mess but they will be there and Eddie will come downstairs and I get to hang out with him tonight and I know I am blessed by these seemingly ordinary occurrences, but I know, after a day like today these are the exact things not to take for granted.

September 11, 2012

There is 5 minutes left to September 11th...I just got home from the Heartworks House after a meeting with 73 women. 73 WOMEN!!! Our biggest group ever. We lit candles, we prayed, we drank wine and ate chips and salsa. We had a goal for making $500 for Matthew Harms medical bills with pray stars...we still have to put the poster out at the fundraiser Saturday night and we have already raised $500!!! Amazing. My daughter Caroline painted gold nails on anyone who would sit with her...a way to support her little friend  Campbell who is 4 days into 1st grade living with a brain tumor. Caroline was sitting in the back of the room when we lit our candles and stood in a circle listening to "Amazing Grace (her Grampy's favorite song). she was looking at me talking leading their group of women in to a silent circle of prayer. I felt like she was understanding what the past 8 years has been about for our family. I felt like I was showing her what I have been doing with myself when I am away from Eddie and my girls. I thought that maybe she was beginning to understand the impact her Uncle John's life has had on the world.
My most sacred moments of the day are:

Realizing this morning that I did not bring flowers to John and Allison Horstmann's plaque at our high school and my friend Jim Davis taking care of it for me...knowing that this helped him with his grief over his lost friends as much as it helped me.

John's family being at the service with us. My mother sitting with his parents and sisters. His brother Jim standing next to me. Michael and Kathleen included in the circle even though they were not physically there. Later, they all came to the Heartworks House and I was able to show them what has been created in memory of their son and brother.

The sun shining so brightly. Years ago, when my father had recovered from tongue cancer to the pint that he could travel, he went to Florida. It was winter and he told me that he got off the airplane and stood with his face to the sun. The sun gave him new life. I tired my face to the sun, as I have so often in the past 7 years when the pangs of missing him overwhelm me.

Nieces and nephews scrunched on a brick wall next to Madison and Caroline sitting n a plaid blanket while the bell tower rang

The Monsignor Capik's voice during the homily and the memory of him sitting at Maryanne's kitchen table September 15, 2001. The stillness in the kitchen and the realization that he could handle it because he knew God.

Standing with my brother and saying the Our Father together

My sister Maryanne laughing

Talking about John, the wind whipping up and 16 balloons floating up in the air filled with written love notes at Jockey Hollow

Heartworkers preparing the Heartworks House for our meeting all day while I spent time with my family

The texts, calls and emails from people who love me (Sue Ostrander, what a gift, a story (book)  for a different day)

My gratitude for Madeline and how we came to know each other

The mediation room filled with candles, pictures and prayers

Spending the night with conscious women. My deep loves who understand me and want what I want- a deep connection with God and freedom from the bullshit

My time in the parking lot with my friend Andea

The back up at the front door of people coming into the meeting

The 73 women that left their houses to come join us in our efforts

Running out of candles, chairs, glasses and spinach dip

The $500 already made for the Harms family

The $1,000 we are going to be able to send Chis Meade, a man in CT who we have never met before to pay for medical bills

The look on his friend's faces when we told them we can do this for him

The image of my sweet Caroline sitting in the back of the meeting room and remembering being 5 months pregnant with her on a 24 hour ride home from Colorado 11 years ago this week.

Sitting at the Heartworks house over a glass of wine until 11:00 with Heartworkers that just didn't want to leave

The time with my Kelly who is a sole sister of all sorts XO

Lying my head on my pillow tonight next to my Eddie knowing that I have done one small part today to honor John and everyone else who's life was sacrificed in a spiritual awakening for the planet

Good night and thanks for listening even though I don't tell people I blog so very few people read it :) XO

Prayers for Tomorrow

I spent today at the Heartworks House getting ready for our meeting tomorrow night. We are in the process of transforming the Meditation Room into a place filled with pictures of victims of 9/11, active military men and women and pictures of war torn countries from all over the world. Our prayers reach far and wide to anyone ever affected by terrorism. Heartworks remembers that we are a country at war and that horrific acts of hate are not some thing in the past, but happening as I type this blog entry. There are families escaping territories with nowhere to go. We pray for them tonight.
Tonight I want to say thank you to every single person who did something for a family after September 11, 2001. Thank you for paying such close attention to the loss. It is my greatest hope to continue on the standard that you set 11 years ago to any struggling family that crosses the path of Heartworks.

We pray tonight for all people being retraumatized by the anniversary
We pray for everyone who misses someone
We pray for every first responder who is struggling with health issues
We pray for every human being affected by terrorism
We pray for acute awareness and gratitude of our freedoms and safety
We pray for all political leaders to act from a place of grace rather than ego
We pray for healing around the globe

I am watching the coverage on TV. I do this every September 10th before I go to bed. I was in Colorado in 2001, far from any of the trauma. I watch it now because I want to pay my respects to the people who were not so far away. Who still have nightmares and anxiety from the things that they saw that day. I want to pay my respects to the first responders and witness, even if it is from the ridiculous safety of my couch a fraction of what they witnessed that day.
I will never forget. I will never forget the events or what people did for my family. Besides my husband and daughters, family and friends,  nothing else is more important to me than to pay forward what has been done for my sister and her kids.
Thank you.