Every night before my 5 year
old goes to bed she asks me to read a prayer book she made last summer. It has
traditional Catholic prayers in it and then we add our own at the end. It is
not an easy task because she likes me to keep one hand on her forehead (keeps
the bad dreams out) and one hand one the book. So turning the pages is tricky and
as she is trying to “belax” (not a typo, this is how Mary says “relax”) into
the prayers, she often has one eye open in anticipation of a page turn when my
hand has to leave her head for a moment.
Last night, before we got
started, she said to me
“Don’t say “Amen” at the end
of each prayer anymore, Mom!”
“Why not?”
“ Because then it means they’re
over.”
As I read her the Hail Mary I
instinctively said “Amen” at the end...her eyes filled up…She yelled “Moooooooommmmmm,
I told you not to say Amen!”
“I’m sorry Mary! But I’ve
been saying this prayer for 35 years and so I’m in the habit of saying Amen at
the end! We have 3 prayers to go, so it’s
not over yet”
I don’t think she thought my
laughter was appropriate.
She settled back into position
and brought my hand back to her head.
No more “Amens” were said
last night.
This morning as she was
getting ready for school, I reminded her to go upstairs and brush her teeth. She
ran upstairs but I didn’t hear any water running. As I snuck up behind her in
her room I saw that she had ripped up a sticky note into strips and was placing
them strategically in her prayer book.
“What are you doing Mare?”
“Covering up the “Amens” so my
prayers keep going”
So my beautiful girl left for
school today with dirty teeth and unending prayers in her mind.
I have not yet explained to
her yet that “Amen” has been described
as
“And so it is” and “So be it”.
“Amen” is a statement of
affirmation, that all we believe and have prayed for is true and valid for us. It
has gotten me thinking that this is such an interesting word to use at the
“end” of a prayer and that most people probably see it as an “ending”
phrase…certainly my little Mary does.
What I did tell her was that
I understand what it feels like to not want things to end….how when you
discover and connect with something bigger than yourself…when something feels
good and safe and loving, your human response is to do whatever is within your imagined
control to stop it from ending.
I understand Mary Francis, I
really, truly understand.
What I will tell her when she
gets home today is that “Amen” doesn’t end our prayers. “Amen” simply solidifies
them in the unending love of God. My greatest prayer for Mary and her two
sisters is that they come to understand that there is no ending to love and
that ultimately, God is love. There is no ending or beginning, though our human
mind is so trained to think this way. The word I would more focus on is transition. That all appearances of
beginnings and endings are actually transitions into something else, something
that we are ready to experience, whether we understand what is happening or
not.
There are so many things I
don’t want to ever end. I do my best to stay open to “endings” (AKA
transitions) and give them the same attention I give beginnings, knowing that
they are actually the very same energy. Every beginning is an ending and every ending is a beginning of something. This
is waaaaay easier said than done. The mind is a stubborn, manipulative thing
and I am so attached to my physical surroundings (ie...raising my girls in the
house I grew up in but that’s a story for another day)
These days as I witness my
father-in-law sleep, as his body slows down and his voice gets softer, I want
to yell and whine and stick hot pick sticky notes over all that we are being
asked to let go of. All the things we are not ready to have end. All the things
that feel good and safe and loving.
All things my father-in-law.
So maybe by not hearing
“Amen” my little Mary is attempting to go to sleep in prayer, wake up in
prayer, get dressed in prayer, eat breakfast in prayer, go to school in
prayer….maybe she effortlessly remembers something that I, at times, forget…that birth is a living prayer, life is
a living prayer and death is a living prayer. God is always paying attention,
always loving us, always awake. I pray for the grace to spend my days as Mary does, in living prayer without end.
