September 11, 2011

I am up...I can't sleep...I keep watching the footage on TV...why? I don't know. Tomorrow morning I will be at a service with about 300 other 9/11 family members at St. Joseph's Shrine in Stirling, NJ. I have been asked to speak, and below is what I am going to say. We are bringing 70 candles with us- they will be lit by each family and placed up on the alter of this beautiful, outdoor memorial. We will be standing under a bell tower that was created out of two steel beams from each of the towers. It is the same place we have been every September 11th for 10 years. My father stood there with us for 4 of these past 10 years. I feel his presence and his absense every year. The candles will be lit and prayed over and then given out to families in need of hope this year by family members gathered at the Shrine who will take them home, and Heartworks will give away the rest this upcoming year.

Heartworks is having a Day of Remebrance at our new home tomorrow.. (we had our first INCREDIBLE meeting there on Tuesday) .Heartworkers  have spent the week  hand writing the names of every victim and have hung them each on the walls of the meetiing room. I feel great anticipation going to sleep...on one level John is no more honored tomorrow than any other day by my family...but there is something about being surrounded by hundreds of other 9/11 family members that is remarkable.
Tonight I am grateful to be together with my family- my brother is in from Chicago. Maryanne oldest kids Kaitlin and Patrick came home from college and John's memory filled my house tonight as we ate pizza together. Here's the thing...He's "gone" but he's never "gone". He is always right here with us, for pizza, at the beach or whatever else we are doing. Always and All Ways.
Good Night.

Reflection Speech September 11, 2011 at Morning Service, St. Joseph's Shrine Stirling, NJ

My name is Megan McDowell. I am the sister of Maryanne Farrell who lives in Basking Ridge. Her high school sweetheart and love of her life is John Farrell who worked for Sandler Oneill in the South Tower. He is the father of Kaitlin, Patrick, Colin and Molly. He is the brother of Jim, Kathleen, Maureen, Michael and Nancy. He is the son of Mike and Dolores.

I was struggling with what I could possibly say to all of you today...There is no magic formula for grief- there is no cure- there is simply life and God and grace. Missing someone you love is the journey of moving through the cruxifiction of our own lives into a sense of resurrection. I have found that one of the only things that helps with my own grief, over John and other losses my family has had since 9/11 is to use what I have been through to help and serve others.

In 2004 I started a non profit acts of Kindness group called Heartworks to pay forward the kindness that sustained my sisters family, my own family and all of us gathered here for the weeks, months a and years since september 2001. Our group of women, recreate, on a daily basis,  the meal deliveries the fundraising, the errands and anything else that needs to be done for a family in crisis.  In the past 7 years Heartworks have helped me to heal my own live, and Ive watched it do the same for my mother and my sisters.

The term “I understand” is used so often in response to grief- people say it, even though they don’t understand- people say it when they couldn’t possibly understand because they have not been through a close loss- but this group, all of you standing here today- when you are sitting with someone who’s life has been shattered, you do understand

The shock of life as you knew it being over in a split second...“you understand”

The anguish of wanting to turn back the clock to the day before the tragedy... "you understand”

The paralyzing physical sensations of grief ...“you understand”

The fear of those rising feelings of yearning...  "you understand”

The incomprehensible realization of the loss...  "you undetstand”

And so-  because of this, all of you standing here have the ability to bring God grace to the planet, into someone’s kitchen, in a way that much of the population can not do - it is uniquely yours- whether it is the loss of your spouse, your child, your parent, or maybe you are like me- someone who has your immediate family all present but have been the witness to your extended family breaking and suffering and transforming into a new shape- When you sit with someone who is grieving you have so much to offer that again, is uniquely yours-

You are living proof to them that their heart will keep beating , even though the heart of the person they love has stopped

You can ensure them that memories live on and that the love never fades- not even for a moment, in no way , shape or form does your love diminish…in fact, it grows deeper

You can tell them that even though they may not love God this very moment, what is important is that they stay open to receiving God’s love

You can share with them the big and little things you did each day to get through till the next and how the shadows of fear shift form over time

You can show them that their family is still a family, that some members are here in body and that some are here in our hearts, but your family is your family, is your family, is your family. No matter what.

Even though you did not ask to be a part of the events of 9/11- even though you did not want this experience, this loss- it is a part of your life story just as it is part of the person you love’s story- take it to someone else and sit with them, in their kitchen, on their September 11^th, when their life changes unexpectedly and permanently. It may not be in the form of terrorism. It may be showing up for them as a diagnosis , or a car accident or a heartattack- but the feelings, the sensations of death are the same if not extraordinarily similar- loss is loss, grief is grief regardless of the day or the way or the details of the story. You can sit with someone in a way perhaps noone else can because of the uniqueness of your story and what you have lived through. Doing this will heal your own wounds as well. I promise you this.

So one way to do this is to please take a candle. In a moment we will all pray over them- prayer feels important to do because there are soldiers right now, away from their families, fighting to insure that we can  gather  here this morning- from all different religions and beliefs,  and stand together in prayer. Public prayer is not happening in NYC in the very spot where prayer was abundant 10 years ago- so lets make sure we do it here at St. Josephs

Please put your hands up to these candles, and then anyone who wants to,  can take a candle home to pass on to someone, as a way of saying you understand and they are not alone. All the candles that remain, Heartworks  will passe on to the hundreds of grieving families that we will meet this year.

Please God we ask to be opened to the miracle of your healing grace

We pray that the emptiness we experience is filled by you

We pray for the courage to reach out into a broken world, from a place of our own brokenness

We ask for gentle, continuous memories of the person we love

And for those too young to have memories, we pray that they come to understand how much they are loved

We pray for all families in the upcoming year who will experience struggle, that they find You in the darkest of times

We ask for all people who are grieving to become new each day through knowing You.

AMEN